Being Restless and Unhappy – Sept 13 2012

Sometimes I ask myself, why am I unhappy? I have a loving family, which are all still alive, I have a great job, in which I get to help the environment while earning lots of money and work with lots of people across the Kimberley, I have amazing co-workers, and I can live in Kununurra (which I know I sometimes bag out, but I still really love it here!). I have my own room with a queen bed and 500 thread count sheet. There’s always food in the kitchen, and we have a lady who comes and cleans for us once a week.

My life is so easy. I have friends if I want them, and solitude when I need it. Is my problem that I am too lazy to go to work, why am I so bored? While my work isn’t amazingly interesting at the moment, it’s certainly not worth the ‘don’t-give-a-shit’ attitude I’m giving it at the moment. Is it just that I’m excited for Fiji, or have I burnt out? Maybe I’ll be fine once I get back from Fiji. Maybe. What if I’m not? Should I ask my boss for a month off? What about then? Will I get back into my work with the vigor it deserves?

I sometimes feel like crying. I don’t know why I feel like this. When I’m away, I want to be home. I want to be with my family. When I’m home, all I want to do is be alone in my room and plan my next trip. Imagine it over and over. I love that feeling of being confident, then scared. It gives me a thrill just thinking of not knowing what will happen. See, travel is something you can’t predict. Sure, life at home changes in small ways. You might make a new friend, join a club, people give birth and people die. There are the little village dramas – so and so slept with that guy, that guy owes me money, OMG I can’t believe she said that to you… At the end of the day, you KNOW where you are going to be in a month, in 6 months, in a year.

You’ll still be in the same town, probably with the same job, trying to get a promotion. I know, I’ve watched myself do it this last year. I guess I saw it coming, but this was always just a money earner. I never expected to like it as much as I did. I never expected to get on that well with my co-workers. I guess I just kept saying 3 months, 3 more months, 6 more months.

I feel selfish – there are many people out there would would love to have my job. I feel ungrateful – I’ve been given this amazing opportunity, and all I can do it moan about it. I am angry at myself. I have so many options, yet I pretend I’m stuck. I’m too scared to go out in the world because I think I’ll end up broke, with no money to my name. I’m an idiot, because I’m supposed to be an intelligent, independent woman, but I’m too scared to see where the life will take me.

I feel guilty – my boss and co-workers have put up with me being a grouch for the last week, and they’ve given me this great job which I feel ridiculously lucky to have gotten. If I leave, they will need to go though a lengthy hiring process, and train someone new. They are still training ME, after almost a year. Bureaucracy can be hard you know 🙂

So, what is important to me. I want people to like me, I want them to respect me. I think that I work hard and bring a lot to any workplace. I want to travel. Oh, how I want to travel! The question is – do I want to travel now, have that independence in a few months, rather than a few years?

The benefits would be that my soul would feel free. I can think more clearly, I become more motivated to do things, I love to meet other people. I can try amazing food wherever I go, not have to dread going to work every day. When I no longer enjoy a place, I can leave. I can visit my relatives sooner – who knows how long anyone has? I also won’t be used to a higher paying job, or the privileges that come from managing other people.

The negatives. Not having as much money means I cannot travel for as long. It means I’ll have to get jobs along the way, or come home sooner. But, to be honest,  that doesn’t sound like such a bad idea. I like stopping in an area and chilling out. I love getting to know the local people a little better. Also, the benefits of coming home sooner is that there’ll be more chance of re-entering the workforce in my relevant field. I don’t want to come home before I’m ready though. One of the biggest negatives is telling my bosses, but I need to do what I need to do.

So, do I stay on until May like my mum wants me to? I think I will. It will also give me a chance to host some couch-surfers and get some ‘points’ for my future travels. Anyway, it’s not like May is that far away.. and I’ll need to get my gear together anyway! Ohhhh! So much planning to do!